Day 3 – Memory

            Memory is not an easy thing to be discussed since I think I can’t remember a lot of memories during my childhood and teenage period. Let me divide them into: childhood, teenage and adulthood. Here we go!

I remembered one moment when I was a kid. I was around 5 or 6 years old and I had difficult time to differentiate some letters: ‘p’, ‘q’, ‘b’ and ‘d’. It was such a hard time for me and my mom as well since she was teaching me to learn many things during my young age and I had two younger sisters at the same time. I guessed she did this because she was too tired to take care three of us so she put me into a bathroom tub and asked me to think what my mistake was. The bathroom tub was empty and I cried loudly. I said sorry thousand times and told her I would learn it well. I guess it shaped me to be afraid in making mistakes. I know she hasn’t meant it and she also learns how to be a good mother but when I went to college and studied about education, I learned that that things normal for kids in that age. I also learned that teaching kids needs patience so I understand why she did that although I don’t want to do it to my children later.

When I was a teenager, I remembered being called as ‘buruk rupa’ (the beast) since I was ugly and fat. My skin was too dark compared to others. My eyes were too small. My hair was thin and bald. I was fat since I loved eating. Many people told my mom and asked her to take care of me because of my appearance. My parents were not rich; we were quite poor so we ignored it but it hurt me a lot to see my parents should hear those comments. Moreover, I also heard someone said that I was an anti-social so I wouldn’t be successful in life. He told me I wouldn’t have good job. He was an adult. I had never expected he would be able to say that kind of thing to a teenager. It helped me to work harder during my studying time. I learned hard so I could be the best at school. I tried to enroll to the public university and had part-time job that could afford me to be pretty as well. Once I already made my money, I started buying skincare and putting some make-up on. I also heard people called me ‘tante’ whenever I put some make-up on. Those male friends were laughing at me and I held my anger inside, promised to myself I wouldn’t let them be more than friends. Few years later, the same people said to my mom that I become prettier. Those immature male friends told me that if they knew I would be pretty, they would like to date me. I never took it seriously.  

During my adulthood, all the memories I remembered are the moments when I got dumped by my ex-partners. The reason they dumped me was unbelievable. One of them said that I asked too much while we were having no clear relationship status for 1,5 years and the only thing I asked was what kind of relationship it was. The other one said that he loved me so much but his parents didn’t want to have a daughter in law who graduated from university and had better work than him. The last one was crazier. He said that I didn’t respect him because he lost his job so he was broke and he needed me to pay all the bills when what he did was only doing his hobby, never had time for me and didn’t want to find any new job.    

After writing these moments, I realized that I have learned so many things in life. I learned that being parents is not an easy thing so I have to learn hard so my children will have better parents than mine. I also learned that people’s words can hurt others too deep and I have to watch what I said to others especially about their personal problems. Last but not least, I learned many things from my exes and I was angry and I hated them for being a coward yet I know that life needs to shape me so I will be the best version of myself. For all memories I have ever had, thank you for teaching me lesson. I am ready to go to the next stage of life.